at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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