so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize