I like to think it a success when the cops are called
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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