and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
