how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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