My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
