Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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