I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
