ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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