I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize