I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
