between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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