i already hear my dad disowning me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
