where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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