How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
