I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
