think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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