Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
