Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
