JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
