im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
