If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I die, sorry about rent.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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