I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
