You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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