I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize