Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
