New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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