At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
