Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize