some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
