there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
