Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
