in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
