They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
