I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize