I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize