I hate all girls vehemently.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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