I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize