My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
