I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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