i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
