He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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