He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
