good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
