OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Randomize
