I'll bet she douches with gravy.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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