I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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