I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
