Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So here I am, sexting at work.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
