I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
