I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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