did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
