The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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