I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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