Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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